today was all shades of purple

i feel
confident and sure and still i'm so afraid
i feel so young and i feel so old,
so young with this long lavender bow in my hair that made me look like lucy when i read mccalls this afternoon, you said
so old because people wrote me postcards in 1908 and my decisions matter more every day.
i feel like i have to choose which one i am.
i feel
dusty like the jacket of the sinatra record i bought today and
bright blue remembering that picasso sketch
and telling you about how i think in color.
so privileged, because, has there really been another woman on earth more privileged than me? white and middle class in 2013? how do i live up to that?
i feel like jazz.
i feel full of potential and thrilled at the thought of the future
i feel like the future never starts.

k:

do you think it means something that i've never seen a smile quite like yours?
how in the world do you get so much sunshine to come out of your face, even in pictures?
can everybody see it as well as i do?

i hope so. i hope they can where you are now.

liberated

this weekend left me feeling pretty free.
i'm not exactly sure what it was.
it was probably the combination of everything.
but i drove back to provo listening to on top of the world by imagine dragons,
over and over because i feel so happy when i listen to it.
and i realized just how wonderful china is going to be for me. 
my life started to disintegrate three years ago from the day i'll be leaving for china,
and don't get me wrong, i've had thousands of happy moments and huge blessings
and countless full hearts.
but i'm not sure i've 100% recovered yet. i'm not all the way back.
it takes a long time to recover.
it's a long way down. it's a long way up.
and i think i'm going to get there in china.
it's exactly what i need:
no drama, no family messes, no job hunting, no essays, and no boys for heavens sakes. 
just three of my best friends, a bunch of adorable kids, and a million adventures.
and i'll have no time to think about myself. just others.
that's some major heart-distance diminishing there. some major comfort-zone expanding, too.
isn't that lovely?

and i also realized that i can do whatever i want.
i can set my mind to it, and i can do it.

i'm on top of the world, ay,
i'm on top of the world, ay,
been waiting on this for a while now
paying my dues to the dirt
i've been waiting to smile, ay,
been holding it in for a while, ay,
take it with me if i can
been dreaming of this since a child
i'm on top of the world.

and i know it's hard when you're falling down
and it's a long way up when you hit the ground
so get up now, get up now, get up now.

front seat

a sat in the front seat of a boy's car the other day
you know, he's a rather ridiculous boy, actually
and i felt so out of place
because it's been so long since i've sat in the front seat of a boy's car.

actually, it's just been so long
since i've sat in the front seat of yours.