what travel means to me now

i remember as a young girl that i felt different when i traveled. i remember being electrified with the streets of chicago or new york; feeling a sizzle in my veins when i saw street dancers in boston or cirque du soleil in montreal.
it has been a long time since i've felt that new aliveness when i've traveled somewhere. i am drawn in by the beauty of places i visit, but i feel peace, not excitement. not even the eiffel tower made me feel like i was in a movie. it was another day of reality: a beautiful, memorable one, but still real.
maybe that's how growing up works. maybe things lose their magic.
in any case, i'm not torn up about it. i also remember, wherever i traveled, feeling a keen sense of notbelongingness. i was very conscious of looking like a tourist. something i should not have been ashamed of; having the opportunity to travel is something to be proud of. i felt the urgency to walk fast, to jump on metros without a sign of confusion, and to absolutely know where i was going.
in all my travels, every single one of my most memorable experiences are not about the places i saw. everything that had a profound impact on me was because of a person i met.
in montreal i bonded with an entire ward of immigrants and learned how to do the air kiss and gained a deep true love for the world cup, because everyone in the ward was so passionately rooting for their home country. in france i met missionaries in their wards and explored the latin quarter with my cousin michael. in new york city i got to meet and stay with the coolest married couple i've ever met & fall in love with a primary full of chinese kids.
i am not a jetsetter, nor do i wish to be one. i will always welcome the opportunity to go someplace new and expand my comfort zone, and see the beauty the world has to offer. but the reason that i go places is not to tour them. i want to understand them.
i want to stay. i want a home in the places i go to. the exciting thing about the world to me, now, is the people who are living in it, the stories they can tell me, and the love we can share.
i have seen a lot of places. i haven't traveled extensively, but i have more than most my age. i have done this because it is my priority. seeing the world is much greater than having things, but knowing people is much greater than seeing the world.
the word china means very different things to my head and to my heart. my head still has a notion of china that it's had my whole life--a country of little space. full of people, factories, a communist country, "asia", and all the generalizations of the kind of people who live there. what my heart feels about china is absolutely independent of their asianness, of communism, overpopulation. the entirety of what i feel for china is what i feel for home: a place full of people that i love from the bottom of my heart. a place of comfort and nostalgic memories. it is my home. one of them.
i learned none of that by climbing the great wall or walking through tienanmen square.
the power of travel is that, when done right, the traveler comes out of it with a greater understanding of the human race. because we really aren't all different races, we are one. and when people urge us young people to travel, i think, it isn't so that we can look at places we've never seen. it is so we have the opportunity to become a citizen of the world.
i really do believe that it doesn't much matter where you go; it matters who you meet and what you feel. settings don't change people. people change people.

a.f., provo, china.

all i want to do is be in three places at once.
growing up is hard; i wish there was a way to keep your entire heart with you all the time.

i'll miss you.

lessons learned

how sweet it is to have friends like these.

this summer has taught me a lot.
a lot about how to enjoy my own company,
to use time wisely
(and how not to),
how to keep loving new people and not ever closing my heart,
how to work hard and endure,
how to find joy in places you thought you'd hate (food 2 go anyone?)
but most importantly,
a lot about how beautiful & sacred the temple is.
i appreciate it now more than i ever have in my life,
and it has brought me so much peace and comfort.
it has truly become my most important sanctuary.

i would never have guessed where this summer would have taken me,
but i've grown a lot and have enjoyed it so much.

next up, weihai in 11 days!!

transitions

19 years old is a funny age, i think.
you're really not quite anything.
not a teenager, not grown up.
a college student, but not really certain what you're doing.
if you're like me,
you're juggling several different groups of friends--
home friends,
freshman friends,
new provo ones, too.
moving every four months
and sifting through opportunities that only come in this college window.
which to take?
where to be?
who to be with?
i can't say that i really belong anywhere,
but i can say that i think i love that.
to belong in one place...
that can be so confining.
i think i'll keep living as a nomad.
so much of my heart is with american fork and the girls i stayed with at the cabin,
but so much of it is in heritage halls
and so much of it is on university avenue.
some of it got taken to new york city, some to florida, and some to winnipeg.
some stayed in paris and seattle and even a little part is in the morris center.
a lot is about to be taken across the world to weihai,
and you'd think that'd mean that my heart would be spread pretty thin by now,
in my close-to-nineteen years.
but everywhere i try to put it just makes it grow,
and i feel like my heart is pretty huge,
just bursting with love for every place i've ever been.
i'm in-between,
but i think i like it here.