let freedom ring

i went on a road trip last weekend. charleston and savannah have me hooked. i never expected to be so smitten with the south, but i am. 

it was perfect. too perfect to articulate, but full of heavy food, car singing, sunshine, and the slowly but surely expanding limits of my comfort zone. redneck bars in statesboro can do that to ya. 

i feel so happy and grateful to be here. grateful to be growing and learning in a place that unselfishly offers me beauty and adventure without me even asking for it. i feel such pride for my country here. freedom is ringing inside of me.

there are freedoms that are given to us but there are also freedoms that we have to take. sometimes you simply cannot wait for permission. there is no one there who can give it. the lesson of my young adulthood has been the importance of utilizing my agency to choose growth. there are always growing pains but there is a certain beauty and serenity in dismantling my own walls, brick by brick, rather than waiting for them to be torn down. i'm still getting better. and i hope i always will.

new

i woke up to 2014 in a studio apartment on the upper west side of new york city. i had spent my last night of 2013 standing in times square which was honestly quite miserable and a poetic end to the most dreary year i've lived yet.
not to be pessimistic.
the last five years have been full of tremendous ups and downs but this one left me in a state of anxious monotony. i like change. i'm good at it. i can get so restless with routine.
2013 did not give me adventure but it did give me foundation. it gave me an endurance for solitude. it brought many many goodbyes but also brought me a few but very important new friendships. it gave me direction and forced me to make choices. it gave me a new love for my family. it pulled me together, on the outside at least, even though i'm positive my heartstrings will always be a little bit tangled.
what i need now, this year, is feeling. i need to love until my heart bursts. i need to dance. i need to argue and stand up for my beliefs. i need to have the sweet luxury of kneeling on the floor to weep.
most of all i need to be on better terms with god. my biggest goal and greatest resolution is to be closer to him.

a few others:
-learn my family history. i feel the spirit and influence of my ancestors with me daily and i want to get to know them better.
-curate an exhibition of student artwork.
-explore the idea of stories and oral histories--what kind of project can i do with this?
-journal consistently about both my musings and revelations but also my daily events, a balance i rarely reach.
-put people first. no matter what.
-become a better photographer.
-focus more on wellness. work towards all natural beauty products, simple food, etc. i'm a bit of a granola at heart. also, learn tai-chi.
-unplug more often.
-become an amateur floral designer.
-know the galleries of DC's art museums like the back of my hand.
-talk to strangers.
-share my faith.
-practice my sense of wonder and attention to detail. catalog it.
-say many, many hellos.

when i fall in love

i won't fall.
it will come slowly,
quietly. until one day i will notice that i have drifted into it
and i never heard a sound.
he will have ideas. a mind of his own. long eyelashes. and he will be silly, probably.
we will share a softness. an overflowing love for the world.
for him, love will come first. love before questions. before judgments.
when i fall in love he will give me the eyes. he will laugh at my jokes. he will be nerdy but i prefer the term passionate.
our love is going to be sweet
and quiet and giant and calm and urgent and full and soft and natural
and before that and after that, it is going to be true.

four years

when i was fifteen, i walked through the streets of washington d.c. for the first time. this was the very first time i fell in love, and it was with matisse. this was also the very last time i ever saw my parents hold hands. that city was the start and the end of so many things.

it's four years later and a lot of forgiveness and loneliness and hard work has happened, and i am returning. and i will be staying for a while. when i was fifteen i came home and i stole a little blue jar from the cabinet and named it my wish jar. i placed dozens of folded up wishes inside that jar and one of them was to intern in washington d.c. i didn't know if i could do it then. now i am.

i'm twenty now. and it's funny how that wish jar worked. since then, my life has been a series of spontaneous but very important decisions. i mean, all of the big ones have been made in crunch time and within a matter of days. and it's working. i'm working too.

newness is my familiar. i feel very at ease now and i haven't been all year. the most important lesson i have learned in my life is that change happens and that the only thing that really stays is god. i should have known, but i forgot.

god has stayed with me. he has stayed with me when i have been selfish and stubborn and doubtful and resistant. and still he sees me fit enough to bless like this. i am so humbled.

and so i will become a refuge

i went to listen to a buddhist monk speak in salt lake city on a few weeks ago, and while i'll admit that most of it went over my head, his emphasis on compassion stuck with me. life is suffering and it is universal. we all suffer.  the good thing about it is that it enables us to understand and empathize with all other feeling beings on this planet. the more we feel, the more we can feel for others. the more we empathize, the more we become a part of the world family. and when we feel connected to each other, as family, as we are, we wish no suffering upon anybody else. the goal of buddhism is to push through adversity with determination and patience in order to find refuge and to become a refuge from others. while this monk said it was first necessary to find a refuge yourself and be perfected before you can act as a refuge, i'm taking a little bit of a different view on it. i will be a refuge and i will be one now.

i love you. i will love you. i will love you if you reject the norm and i will love you if you embrace it. i will love you for your successes but most importantly for your mistakes. i will do my best, as humanly possible, to love unconditionally.
i will not be afraid to disagree with you if i think that you are wrong, but i will never condemn you. i will try my best to listen before i refute. i will expect the same from you. i will treat you with respect and i will not call you names. we will be equals.

i will be a safe place and i will welcome you in. my heart can offer a lot of shelter.

love you for free

who knew that it would take so much more bravery for me to stay
than for me to go.
i have never before been the one who stays.
how strange it is to have the unknown be right here, where i already am.

“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won't adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words "make" and "stay" become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.” 

Tom Robbins

i am trying to live this. i am trying to love for free. i am trying to love with no requirement for reciprocation. that's the only way to love and let go at the same time.

love says

Love liberates. It doesn’t bind. Love says. ‘I love you. I love you if you’re in China. I love you if you’re across town. I love you if you’re in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I’d like to have your arms around me. I’d like to hear your voice in my ear. But that’s not possible now. So I love you. Go.’

Maya Angelou