i'm trying to write you a letter

but i don't know how to make
"i'd trade the whole night i spent with him for that 5 minute motorcycle ride you took me on
or one of your hugs on the crosswalk"
sound like
"i'm doing great and i'm definitely not still hung up on you, how's it goin?"
and i don't know how exactly to craft a compliment to you out of:
the way your eyes light up when you say hello to someone,
your orange sunglasses, the way your hip reaches my ribcage,
how i don't know who to ask questions about "good" pop culture anymore,
"could you argue with me about outer space one more time?"

i'm trying to write you a letter,
and the other problem is i don't know where to send it.



this summer hasn't been what i planned by any means.
i'm out of this apartment in about three weeks,
and i gotta tell ya,
i'm kind of sad.
i've come to love these roommates so much
& i don't want to say goodbye and miss all the giggling and embarrassing stories.
that really is a testament to the fact that you can learn to love wherever you're at.
because i did not want to be in provo for another four months
and i did not want to be working at food 2 go for those four months.
but i really do love where i'm at and that's completely due to my lovely aubrey and julia.
we laugh a lot and we take a lot of embarrassing pictures and videos and we watch a lot of episodes of friends,
and it's real real good.

sitting on the curb eating otter pops and talking about what we've learned from dysfunctional relationships...
yeah, i'm gonna miss this.



this weekend left me feeling pretty free.
i'm not exactly sure what it was.
it was probably the combination of everything.
but i drove back to provo listening to on top of the world by imagine dragons,
over and over because i feel so happy when i listen to it.
and i realized just how wonderful china is going to be for me. 
my life started to disintegrate three years ago from the day i'll be leaving for china,
and don't get me wrong, i've had thousands of happy moments and huge blessings
and countless full hearts.
but i'm not sure i've 100% recovered yet. i'm not all the way back.
it takes a long time to recover.
it's a long way down. it's a long way up.
and i think i'm going to get there in china.
it's exactly what i need:
no drama, no family messes, no job hunting, no essays, and no boys for heavens sakes. 
just three of my best friends, a bunch of adorable kids, and a million adventures.
and i'll have no time to think about myself. just others.
that's some major heart-distance diminishing there. some major comfort-zone expanding, too.
isn't that lovely?

and i also realized that i can do whatever i want.
i can set my mind to it, and i can do it.

i'm on top of the world, ay,
i'm on top of the world, ay,
been waiting on this for a while now
paying my dues to the dirt
i've been waiting to smile, ay,
been holding it in for a while, ay,
take it with me if i can
been dreaming of this since a child
i'm on top of the world.

and i know it's hard when you're falling down
and it's a long way up when you hit the ground
so get up now, get up now, get up now.


i'm way more into bingley

and if i was mia thermopolis i would choose andrew jacoby,
and just like lizzie, i'd choose gordo.
i'd pick jacob, i'd pick gale,
and in the holiday i'd rather be with jack black than jude law,
i think living the notebook would be the most excruciatingly painful thing ever,
and i couldn't be a bigger fan of the nerdy comic book guy in jane austen book club.

because the movies make love look so hard.
like such a battle.
and i've seen that,
i've seen the battles. but it's not so romantic in real life.
and bonfires burn out
and hot guys get old.
and ya know,
all i really want is a best friend,
someone who can laugh, laugh a lot,
who is unselfish and straightforward
and hates the game of love as much as i do.
i want it to be simple when i fall in love,
no mystery.
just yes.
i won't hate him before i love him and i won't change myself to fit him and i won't make him do that, either,
and we'll be in big, huge, heart bursting love,
but the joyful kind. the clean kind,
not the messy kind.
and there won't be fireworks every time i touch him,
i don't want that, geez, wouldn't that hurt my retinas?
i think i'd rather spend a lot more time holding hands than kissing,
and you know, as much as i love adventures,
i'd really rather be in a little white house with lots of trees and slippers on my feet
than jet-setting around europe in louboutins.