more new

2014 was the best year of my life. my dreams lined up to meet me this year, and i took them in hungrily and happily. i watched my life become something i always wished it would be. it was beautiful and fast and precious and full of feeling. it was everything i hoped for.

i carry memories of this year with me  like little snowglobes. they are delicate and they are perfect, and somehow i can watch them from the palm of my hand. even my most challenging moments are kept inside orbs of rose-colored glass, and i take responsibility for that. my life's mission statement is to take a conscious effort to find and make beauty, and this year i got it right. mostly.

my memories are idealized, sure, but not only in retrospect. i loved that morning commute down pennsylvania avenue, the city hustle, the 2am green line anxiety. i loved the soviet concrete jungle, the mashed potatoes, the dusty stairs of the school on taikos gatve. and i loved the loneliness of provo, the late nights in the library, the stress of planning for adulthood, and the distance of phone calls from indiana. and by that i mean, i loved it as much as i could. i loved it while i hated it. i tried my best to be grateful, and gratitude turned the year golden.

2014 was also a tremendous struggle for me. i sunk. i made mistakes. i broke habits. god and i became strangers. i didn't know what i wanted, or if i really had the strength others had seen in me for so long. i wondered if all my faithful fervor had been an illusion. i wondered if i wasn't worthy.

i never knew that experiences like this could happen simultaneously. i never knew that my mind and my confidence and my passions and plans could soar so high while my heart and my faith and my trust and diligence could sink so low. i was a canyon of a girl.

luckily, 2014 was also a year of reunion. i said hello to familiar hearts behind new faces and i said welcome home to parts of my heart that have long been living in other chests. my love came back to me. and it healed me. and god did, too.

and now, with new, i feel resolve. i'm ready, you know? i started 2015 with my first ever new year's kiss, and with the first time in a very long time that i have chosen to be vulnerable. it was a good start. i hope that 2015 brings more adventure, more realized dreams, and more important lines on my resume. but my greatest desire and my heartfelt resolution is to live it with bravery, kindness, and honesty. and most of all, to live it in the presence of god.

new

i woke up to 2014 in a studio apartment on the upper west side of new york city. i had spent my last night of 2013 standing in times square which was honestly quite miserable and a poetic end to the most dreary year i've lived yet.
not to be pessimistic.
the last five years have been full of tremendous ups and downs but this one left me in a state of anxious monotony. i like change. i'm good at it. i can get so restless with routine.
2013 did not give me adventure but it did give me foundation. it gave me an endurance for solitude. it brought many many goodbyes but also brought me a few but very important new friendships. it gave me direction and forced me to make choices. it gave me a new love for my family. it pulled me together, on the outside at least, even though i'm positive my heartstrings will always be a little bit tangled.
what i need now, this year, is feeling. i need to love until my heart bursts. i need to dance. i need to argue and stand up for my beliefs. i need to have the sweet luxury of kneeling on the floor to weep.
most of all i need to be on better terms with god. my biggest goal and greatest resolution is to be closer to him.

a few others:
-learn my family history. i feel the spirit and influence of my ancestors with me daily and i want to get to know them better.
-curate an exhibition of student artwork.
-explore the idea of stories and oral histories--what kind of project can i do with this?
-journal consistently about both my musings and revelations but also my daily events, a balance i rarely reach.
-put people first. no matter what.
-become a better photographer.
-focus more on wellness. work towards all natural beauty products, simple food, etc. i'm a bit of a granola at heart. also, learn tai-chi.
-unplug more often.
-become an amateur floral designer.
-know the galleries of DC's art museums like the back of my hand.
-talk to strangers.
-share my faith.
-practice my sense of wonder and attention to detail. catalog it.
-say many, many hellos.