k:

do you think it means something that i've never seen a smile quite like yours?
how in the world do you get so much sunshine to come out of your face, even in pictures?
can everybody see it as well as i do?

i hope so. i hope they can where you are now.

transitions

19 years old is a funny age, i think.
you're really not quite anything.
not a teenager, not grown up.
a college student, but not really certain what you're doing.
if you're like me,
you're juggling several different groups of friends--
home friends,
freshman friends,
new provo ones, too.
moving every four months
and sifting through opportunities that only come in this college window.
which to take?
where to be?
who to be with?
i can't say that i really belong anywhere,
but i can say that i think i love that.
to belong in one place...
that can be so confining.
i think i'll keep living as a nomad.
so much of my heart is with american fork and the girls i stayed with at the cabin,
but so much of it is in heritage halls
and so much of it is on university avenue.
some of it got taken to new york city, some to florida, and some to winnipeg.
some stayed in paris and seattle and even a little part is in the morris center.
a lot is about to be taken across the world to weihai,
and you'd think that'd mean that my heart would be spread pretty thin by now,
in my close-to-nineteen years.
but everywhere i try to put it just makes it grow,
and i feel like my heart is pretty huge,
just bursting with love for every place i've ever been.
i'm in-between,
but i think i like it here.

i'm trying to write you a letter

but i don't know how to make
"i'd trade the whole night i spent with him for that 5 minute motorcycle ride you took me on
or one of your hugs on the crosswalk"
sound like
"i'm doing great and i'm definitely not still hung up on you, how's it goin?"
and i don't know how exactly to craft a compliment to you out of:
the way your eyes light up when you say hello to someone,
your orange sunglasses, the way your hip reaches my ribcage,
how i don't know who to ask questions about "good" pop culture anymore,
and,
"could you argue with me about outer space one more time?"

i'm trying to write you a letter,
and the other problem is i don't know where to send it.