thawing

life is so good here that sometimes it feels like my bones are glowing.

last thursday i went to the national gallery by myself and there was almost nobody else there. there is something that happens to me when i walk into a museum--especially alone. it feels like everything that has been living inside my rib cage is released. and i get to look at it and feel it and be in it. we have conversations, the gallery walls and i. its a heart distance thing, not something i can tell you about with words. but it feels like i belong. and it feels like i am a work of art as well.

i was riding the metro home with my friend the other night and we were sitting in front a glass panel by the doors. i kept looking at my reflection there and what i saw was joy. i almost didn't recognize it on myself. i smile a lot here, and i have never before been quite so aware of my cheeks.

it is good to be happy. i am feeling more myself. i am just now realizing that 2013 has made me too hard. that might sound silly, i have always been a softie. but i have also always been fiercely independent, and the two are hard to balance. i didn't let myself fall in love. i don't mean with people and plans and ideas, but with everyday living. i didn't let myself fall in love with the mundane things, and you've got to love those. you've got to always be noticing the details, or else you're always looking ahead and never living.